Debunking the soulmate myth

The idea that there is one perfect person for each one of us is too alluring not to consider.

We wonder who they are and when we will meet them. We wonder if the one we’re with is our soulmate. We expect them to be perfect, to read our thoughts and complete our sentences.

The fact that most people never experience this kind of relationship does not deter us from searching for “The One”.

This search for the one perfect person could be the very reason so many people are alone or unhappy with their partners.

If we’re searching for the myth, we could miss the person who is right for us, who may be right in front of you.

We have an expectation that this one special person is going to understand us perfectly, want the same things that we do, have the same beliefs and always agree with us.

This kind of relationship not only doesn’t exist, it would be inordinately boring. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who is exactly like you.

We need to first accept that we are meant to learn and grow throughout our lives. We are here to become the best version of ourselves and fulfil our purpose and potential.

So, the right partner is the one who will inspire, challenge and support you to fulfil your destiny.

A soulmate will trigger your healing. They will reflect to you both your light and dark sides, and yes, we all have both.

If we deny our dark side, it rises up in unconscious behaviours, addictions and self-sabotage.

If we want to prove to the world that we are only good, then we cannot heal the aspects of ourselves that are in pain.

While soulmates definitely exist and give us a sense of belonging and being deeply loved and understood, neither they nor us are perfect human beings meant to complete each other.

You can only become whole by acknowledging and accepting all aspects of yourself and no other person can make you whole. We need to understand that just as we have our flaws, our soulmate will have their flaws too.

A truly healthy relationship means seeing each other for who you truly are rather than what you wish the other person would be.

Putting the expectation of perfection upon another person, always leads to disappointment when we begin to see their imperfections. A soulmate compliments you but will never complete you.

The next myth is that you are meant to be together forever. Your soulmate is here to activate your soul. They help you align with your highest self and serve your purpose in the world.

Some stay for a lifetime, some are there to help you move your life in a new direction, some are there to bring a child into your life and some may touch your life in a profound way just for a moment.

Soulmates are not just romantic partners. They also come in the form of a friend, relative, spiritual uplifter or work colleague.

If you feel that the person you are in a relationship with is your soulmate, don’t take it for granted. Nurture the relationship.

Do the work that is required to sustain a happy, healthy relationship. Acknowledge and appreciate them for the value that they add to your life. Love is a choice.

That is one of the most profound lessons I’ve ever learned in my years of researching love and relationships.

Once you’ve chosen a partner that you want to be with, make the decision to love them. They will have their strengths and some amazing qualities but they will also have their weaknesses and some annoying qualities.

Love them anyway.

Your experience of the relationship is in your hands. If you choose to withhold love when they are not what you want them to be, you will experience separation, pain, anger and anxiety.

If you make the choice to love them despite their flaws, you will know unconditional love. The choice is yours. If you give 60%, you will experience the relationship as mediocre. If you choose to give 100% you will experience love in its fullness and glory. Again, the choice is yours.

A soulmate will challenge you to be your best self in a way that is uplifting and supportive, not in a way that undermines or smothers you.

Relationships are meant to help you know yourself as much as you get to know the other. If you consciously observe your own behaviour, you will be able to enhance your best qualities and transcend your darker qualities.

You can choose to evolve into the best version of you. A soulmate will always see that best version and inspire you to become it.

Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker. She can be contacted via [email protected]

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Kas Naidoo

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